just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
