God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
