Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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