Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
