Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
