I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
