Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
