Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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