FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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