I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
