I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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