hotel room ftw
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
