it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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