No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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