I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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