I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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