The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
