gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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