I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
