Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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