I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
