My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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