To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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