thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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