Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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