i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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