I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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