Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
