Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
