I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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