So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
