Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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