Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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