hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
