Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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