if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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