My sheets look like a crime scene.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
