I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
