Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
