sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
