The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
