yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
