i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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