i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
