Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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