Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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