I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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