You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
