So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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