So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
