My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
