his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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