I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
