OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
