Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
