What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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