When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
