Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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