We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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