i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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