she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
