Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can I color on your dick again?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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