i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize