I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Green mimosas i think yes
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
